Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97
(Extended version material in
17-24 January, 1997 Credits for corrections: Sea, Polygon, Matt Sommer,
Paul Annett, Matt White (lots of info), Annette McIntosh & the
original script, John Benton, Teresa Tutt (extended version scenes)
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]
[For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles Teaser.
Shots of Starbug flying through space a la "Star Trek: Voyager". As
Gosh some of the nights. I remember once on planet leave on Orion. I
drank a yard of vindaloo sauce, right out of one of those long glass
tubes, then went out on the pool. It was a bet.
It is impossible for mechanoids to vomit sir. I believe it is
safe for you to continue
There was this club: "The Crazy Astro". I started dancin' with
this space girl there. She couldn't hear in there.
Fido was it? Lassie possibly?
She was very attractive actually Rimmer: very short skirt, little
ankle bracelet. Took our her chewing gun before she ate her chicken
in the basket. You know, class. All right, she had teeth that looked
like six half open garage doors, but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon
couldn't fix in ten minutes
So what happened?
I went over to her, leant in close, asked her to dance. For a
few seconds she didn't answer.
She was probably concussed. A yard of vindaloo sauce? You must've had
breath that could shear sheep.
We started to snuggle up..
Hmm. I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this.
Then all of a sudden, a rumbling in me stomach. All I can remember is
runnin'... across the dance floor... through the crowd... just made it.
So, you didn't get off with her?
The only thing *I* got off was the loo about six hours later. when I
got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me,
to lock the club. Huh! Nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I
didn't have another one until the following night.
What an *enchanting* little tale. Well if you'll excuse me, I'm just off
to glub a couple of yards of vindy sauce. Then, if we *do* happen to chance
across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss.
Sirs, suggest we carry out a thorough inspection of the ship. The
altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies, which
have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that the
new structures are stable.
[-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B.
Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a
ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed
cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue
construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their
knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]
So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we
discovered the Time Machine, right? So what's to stop us going back on board
the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?
We have to avoid all forms of time travel; it's the only way of breaking
our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.
Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, if
we don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we're sensible
And do what?
Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.
Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!
All your hallmarks, bud!
Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our
problems are over.
*Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning.
What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutely
always alters the present. Cause, and effect!
Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*
We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where
You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester
tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.
Oh *okay*. Okay.
[-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------]
[ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit
convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk
along another cylindrical corridor]
Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to
off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?
How come you need more memory? Over the years, you've had more RAM than a
field of sheep!
My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to
sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most
cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.
This clean up thing - how does it work exactly?
I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted
files into its trashfile.
Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your
Why do you ask?
Just interested. Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it.
[-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------]
[LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences
it. Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs
out of bed and leaves]
[-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is
connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a
phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he
places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and
sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and
screws it on to KRYTEN's body. KRYTEN's eyes pop open]
My heavens - I'm head head!
(LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTEN's mouth and pulls the chair away from the
desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him)
Shh! It's only temporary.
KRYTEN (sotto voce)
I don't understand.
Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way";
what do *you* say?
I can't go behind Kryten's head; what would he say if he found out? It's
deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.
(Kryten pauses; glances around conspiratorially)
I'm in! Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll
have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.
Okay, show me how.
Press the 'skull release' catch behind my right ear.
(LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTEN's head and props it up like the bonnet of
Okay, here we go...
[SHOT: He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from
it, placing it in a kidney bowl]
My guilt chip.
No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!!
[-- 11 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug does a fly-by between two planets]
[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER & CAT. CAT does a little spin and grin]
AAAAAAAOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! I feel GREAT! Got all the beauty sleep I needed!
Stayed awake all night!!
Hey, that smells good - what's for brekkie?
KRYTEN (now speaking in a much broader drawl)
Waffles, sir! Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the
side, coated in cheese!
That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!
Healthy? Who cares?? Pork away!
(KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips
from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach
his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying
LISTER (with emphasis)
So, um, Kryten - now that you've had time to think, what about that curry
hunt to the 22nd century?
Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I over-reacted yesterday; on
reflection, I think it'd be quite safe.
(Kryten takes out a small packet from his attachment belt)
What about causality?
Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a
(As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a cigarette
from the packet and lights up)
Okay, I think what Kryten's trying to say is --
CAT (pointing, amazed, at KRYTEN)
Oh, is my generator overheating again?
Do you want one?
Of course I don't want one!
Do you want me to go outside?
LISTER (hurriedly changing the subject)
I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's okay to go back in time,
and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go. Isn't that right?
(KRYTEN swings his dangling attachment up over his shoulder)
You bet your ass!
Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it! Kryten, can I
have a word...
[Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...>
[-- 13 - Int. Starbug galley ----------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER enter]
What is *wrong* with you? You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass",
and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!
I didn't get any error commands!
Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you spammy! Now get a grip
or we'll be rumbled.
(LISTER punctuates with KRYTEN's egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant
(KRYTEN picks up a Cinzano Bianco bottle and swigs down its contents)
[-- 14 - Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 -----------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick
their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor]
(KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an in-your-face type of
What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?
He's got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only
[-- 15 - Int. Gemini Engine Room ------------------------------------------]
[They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash
which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12
orbits. A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room]
Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.
(LISTER crosses to the machinery and pulls a piece out)
[Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the
Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN]
Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC
building in London. Back table; quiet.
I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls -
But you've used it before?
(KRYTEN receives a discreet thump from LISTER)
Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. How stupid of me. (ahem) Just
programming it now, matey boy.
(KRYTEN taps buttons on the controller)
[-- 16 - OB. Day. Broadway in an American city ----------------------------]
[MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and
waving, tickertape filling the air. A large entourage is rolling down the
street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo
which has small flags fluttering from its fenders. A well-dressed man sits
in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the
Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind. He has a gun; a
high-power rifle, into which he loads a round. He takes careful and steady
aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession. Panic
breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly
He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling
red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people. Two are dressed in
silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a
comparitively normal uniform.
One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking
the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.
LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed
Nice landing, Kryten - that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.
Apologies, sir, I'm - ah, I'm not sure what I did then.
This isn't right, where are we?
KRYTEN (consulting device)
Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963,
and we're in the city of Dallas.
How come? Gimme that thing!
(The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is
trying to climb back up. SHOT: fingertips inching over the sill)
I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds
(Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the
Hmm, Dallas, '63 - no doubt about it.
[Scene cuts to outside the building]
(FX: Sirens wail are wailing in the street below. After freeing his
fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window)
[Cut back inside]
Dallas? Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated?
No, it was John something - not 'Jeff Kay'...
J - F - K, not 'Jeff Kay', you gimboid; like the airport. I did a paper
on him at school.
I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?
Heathrow Lister? John Paul George and Ringway? Well, actually, *that* could
The airport was named *after* the president.
So we didnt do 20th century history in my school. It didn't
seem interesting to me. I mean, apart from nuclear fusion and some really
snazzy car adverts, they did nothin'!
The last human being alive, and he's got less brains than a macaque
rhesus monkey after the first course of a vietnamese wedding banquet.
[Scene again cuts to outside the building]
(FX: Sirens, crowd. The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the
jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them. As he
straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he
pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it
[Cut back to interior]
Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?
Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman's location was in
the 'Texas Book Depository'.
(As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the
floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: 'Texas Book Depository')
[Cut to Ext.]
(The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window
further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in)
[Cut back to Int.]
It was probably from this very window!
What, do you reckon?
(Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out,
just as Oswald climbs through the other window. Lister notices the cable
and tugs on it experimentally)
Hey, what's this?
Hey, there's something on the end of this, give a hand!
(Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on
the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him)
Pull, everyone, or I'm in trouble!
9The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tug-of-war, but they are
still yanked forward. Lister piles into the raised window panes, the
others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable.
Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level)
LISTER (recovering and peering out of the window with the others)
Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered
around that giant pizza?
That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.
It's 8 foot across, man - don't you think that's giant? What kind of
pizza house have you been going to? 'The FatBastard-oria'?
Hey, look at this!
(Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald. The others seperate and Cat
brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street)
I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!
(As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their
room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in
a suit, charge in.)
FBI! Drop the gun!
(CAT does so hastily)
Hands on heads!
(LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much
more important groinal area)
You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly
tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to
Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.
COP (spotting the Time Drive)
What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here!
(KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with
his boot. Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a
moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets
breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare.
To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left
on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears - the officers
succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet.
The perspective shifts. It's the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop
Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts.
Where are we?
KRYTEN (examining Time Drive)
It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.
At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.
(CAT, having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle,
crosses to the window and looks out)
Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...
[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]
[ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which
is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the
side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one
of the cars is an discarded newspaper - its headline reads: "Millions flee
from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand]
I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.
Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?
He was a fine man.
[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]
[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the
previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies
undisturbed on the pavement]
[ALL enter, CAT leading]
Can you get anything for us from his scent?
(Cat sniffs along the man's body)
(He sniffs again)
A salt beef sandwich with extra mayo and a gherkin. (sniff) Smoker.
Starched shirt, probably married.
LISTER (holding up wallet)
Eric White, single, vegitarian, and chairman of the anti-smoking league.
I bet I'm right about the gherkin, though.
It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.
(As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the
man's suit. He picks it up and begins to scan it)
(KRYTEN's eyes flick quickly over the text)
I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor:
[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's
"President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia
boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,
Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, '65.
J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,
who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy."
So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?
KRYTEN [partial VO]
"Soon after his election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base
in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the
States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people
fled from all the major cities."
(The Dwarfers leave the body and continue along the street)
So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit? Cos I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!
Back to Starbug.
Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist.
Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American
nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was
probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.
So we're marooned.
*How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all
But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!
He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary. They
never came out when he was alive.
Every man has his weak spot - his 'Achilles heel'.
Kennedy's was just, higher up.
If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and
finished the Cinzano. Kryten, what've I done, man?
Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,
What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much
warmth as a service station chip! That's right, you've no behaviour
protocols, have you.
RIMMER (approaching KRYTEN balefully)
Any you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take, has
trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?
Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*. I've got no guilt.
(At this, LISTER realises the game is up)
Ah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt
You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century
onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of
I know, I know; I *still* haven't had a curry.
No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.
Let me see.
(Rimmer takes the Drive and gives it a cursory examination>
Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the
transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has
overloaded the time matrix?
Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.
So what now?
(sigh) We need to have time to work out how to unfreeze it. I suggest
we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for
I'm on my way, sir!
[-- 19 - OB. Night. Around a campfire -------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.
RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched
their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]
How can the same guy be an icon in one reality, and a criminal in the next?
Doin' exactly the same things?
In one reality he wasn't caught
Yeah, but was he a good guy, or not a good guy?
But somewhere along the way, just like me, he disabled his guilt chip and
discarded his behavior protocols. Power corrupts.
True. Can you be two things simultaneously?
Well, take you, sir. In some ways you're bright sensitive and caring.
In other ways you're an irresponsible, curry-obsessed moron.
Thanks Kryten, that's... well yeah.
It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped...
(Rimmer drops the time drive down by the edge of the fire)
Yeah yeah, pretty good.
Uh, that's not chicken, sirs.
Oh, what is it?
It's that man we found. It's Eric.
(LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to
Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue
Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands...
(LISTER and CAT let their half-chewed mouthfuls dribble out in disgust)
Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral
imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me, that if
humanoids eat chicken, then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise
they'd just be picking on the chickens.
RIMMER (highly amused)
One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.
And I just said I was enjoying that!
CAT (abosutely horrified)
I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god...
I'm a cannibal!
(Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the
fire. It's obviously 'thawed out')
Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted
dead person out of my teeth!
Hawaii. Let's catch some surf!
No, no, we've got to go back, and stop ourselves from interfering with the
I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner!
[-- 20 - Dallas, Dealey Plaza, motorcade, crowds as before ----------------]
[-- 21 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------]
[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music
plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 12:27pm.]
(KRYTEN, with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his
head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case
he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face)
Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor.
Isn't this sick? I mean, just standin' by and allowin' the president to
Not if you're Eric White, it aint.
To think, Eric's out there right now, without any idea that one day he'll
become a between meal snack that *does* ruin your appetite
Unless we put things back the way they were.
[Cut to exterior]
(Kennedy and company wave to crowd from the limo)
[Cut to sixth floor]
(OSWALD takes aim with his rifle)
[Cut back to fifth floor]
(The Dwarfers move to the window to view the street)
Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they
realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the
[-- 22 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------]
[ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]
(From outside we hear a gunshot, and the Dwarfers rush to the window)
(...a second and third shot rings out. Again, there is noise and commotion
from the street below)
[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]
It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed!
He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the
trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him.
Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.
We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there
as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.
We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl
scratching her butt.
LISTER (scanning the street from out of the window)
If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind
that little hill over there covered in lawn...
You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?
That'd solve it, wouldn't it?
Shoot the pres?? Who?
You can count me out.
[Cut to inside of room]
Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this
Where are we going?
Idlewild airport, July, '65...
[-- 23 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------]
(We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded
into the back of a prison truck. As police lock up the truck, the
Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.)
This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.
Give me *five minutes*.
[LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out]
[-- 24 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]
Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.
[FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]
JOHN F. KENNEDY
I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.
In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan
a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight
congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,
act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies
to wreak havoc on our nation.
But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir.
How, ah, can you help?
Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The
gunman behind the grassy knoll.
You mean, assassinate myself?
Yeah! It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it
But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get
out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.
See this airport, Idlewild airport? In our reality they renamed it 'JFK',
after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person
you should be. But if you're gonna be that person, you're gonna have to
sacrifice your life.
And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
Mm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.
Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your
Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.
It did. Heh.
[-- 25 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------]
[All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman's uniforms]
(JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down. LISTER
hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street
[MONTAGE. We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald
lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and
JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. Oswald
fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. This time,
however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot
moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty
mess on Jackie O's suit...
Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable
I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.
(JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars. After a
short time, he fades from reality. The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against
a high fence that looks out onto the street)
Smeg! I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!
(CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances. CAT makes a subtle gesture with
his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of
one person... CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently.
As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to
the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one
with everything they've got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in
(extended version scenes)
[-- 26 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
(Starbug flies past a planet and its orbiting moon)
[-- 27 - Starbug cargo deck, caption "Three Weeks Later" -------------------]
[Enter RIMMER and KRYTEN. RIMMER carries a baseball glove]
Right Krykie? Same drill. You measure the output voltage, and I'll note the
reading. Just give me a second to get into position.
(KRYTEN presses switches while RIMMER walks to opposite side of the room)
RIMMER (Wielding glove)
Right, in your own time.
(KRYTEN sticks his finger into socket. Electricity flows up KRYTEN'S arm as he
goes into convulsion. Loud buzzing sounds, sparks fly, until KRYTEN's eyeballs
eject forcefully from their socket and fly across the room. RIMMER catches
them in his glove and returns them to KRYTEN)
KRYTEN (re-inserting his eyes)
350 volts sir. Same as the others.
Not that one then. Still, we're narrowing it down. Just 17 more to go.
Sir? May I suggest that we use an actual voltmeter, opposed to, well, using
OOOOoooohhhh, too good to be a voltmeter now, are we? I dunno, one morning
spent prancing around without your guilt chip, and suddenly you think you're
some hoity-toity robogod, instead of the lashed together mechano-gimboid
that you are.
Oh, if you want me to be a voltmeter, I am only too happy to be of service.
Why, if you ask me to remove my head and turn it into a chemical toilet,
complete with working flush, I'd be equally honored. It's just that firing
my eyes out of my head at the speed of sound does invalidate my DevaDroid
Service Guarantee. I would hate to malfunction, and you not get a full
refund. I mean, wouldn't that just be so annoying?
[Enter LISTER, carrying the time drive]
I am a total twonk! How could I have been such a saliva-dribbling,
moronic, brain-frozen, putzie little smegger.
It's good, that book on self-enlightenment, isn't it.
The curry supplies. There was no debris! Don't you get it? No
little bits of floatin' crate. They weren't destroyed in the flood!
Well what happened to them, then?
*I* took 'em. At some point in the future, I must go back to the
past, and bring all the curry supplies to the present. Capische?
Of course! Oh It's so simple even a half-concussed gym teacher
could understand it!
This is the last jaunt, I promise.
(LISTER activates the time drive)
No! Absolutely NOT! As senior technician on this ship, I forbid
it. Do you hear me? I absolutely forbid it!
(Too late. LISTER vanishes in a column of red lightning)
What is the point of me being his superior officer, if he never
obeys a single command? You know, he hasn't even got the good manners
to let me court-martial him, not even when I ask him nicely. We might
as well have a melon in command!
I thought we had, sir. (RIMMER glares at KRYTEN)
Oh, I see. Sorry, sir. The voltage must have corrupted my comprehension
Stand back! Sounds like something coming in!
(Red lightning appears behind RIMMER and chases him across the room.
It deposits a beer keg. Several more columns of red lightning follow,
producing multiple tall stacks of food in takeway containers, and
YESSS!!!!! This thing is amazing! If only we could use it to us
get back to Earth, *our* time.
Oh sir! You saw the havoc we caused in Dallas in the first *two
seconds* of our arrival. Heaven knows what we'd reduce civilization
to if we lived in the past *permanently*.
He's right. We dont want any more idiotic gaffes until... (looks at
watch)do you think we could make it to half-four?
[Exit KRYTEN. RIMMER examines device on wall with a large conspicuous
You know I must have passed this thing a million times. What the hell's
[exit RIMMER. LISTER examines device until temptation gets the better
of him (a full three seconds), pulls down the lever. Goes to exit room
but hatch closes in his face with a puff of mist and and the hiss of
[-- 28 - Starbug interior, corridor ----------------------------------------]
(An identical hatch closes behind RIMMER, seperating him and KRYTEN
from LISTER. RIMMER has a smug grin on his face)
Oh! Nice going on the idiotic gaffes front, sir! We almost
lasted a full five seconds there!
Kryten, surely you're not implying that was accidental. I've had
that little ace up my sleeve for months.
[-- 29 - Model shots -------------------------------------------------------]
[-- 30 - Starbug interior, corridor ----------------------------------------]
(RIMMER looks through hatch windows to LISTER. Shakes fist in
[-- 31 - Model shots -------------------------------------------------------]
(More clamps release. Starbug separates in two. The forward half,
containing RIMMER and KRYTEN, begins to move away)
[-- 32 - Model shot, aft section of ship -----------------------------------]
(We see LISTER though the hatch window, shouting, but not heard)
[-- 33 - Close up of window of forward section -----------------------------]
(RIMMER and KRYTEN look out of hatch. RIMMER gives his signature
[-- 34 - Model shot, forward section of ship -------------------------------]
(forward section activates drive and streaks away)
[-- 35 - Aft section of ship, Interior -------------------------------------]
They're not comin' back... I'm lost in deep space... I'm three million
years from home... No life, no bed, no nothin'... Just me... and 3 1/2
tons of curry... (pause) Fan-smeggin-TASTIC!!!!
(LISTER digs into the curry with all the the tearful joy of someone
reunited with a lost love)
[------------------------- END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" --------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug
Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments,
criticisms and corrections welcomed at "email@example.com". Thanks.]