"Wussley Goes Kayaking" -or- Scenes from "Transfigurations" we'd like to see. Copyright Aug. 1997 by Teresa Tutt Beverly Crusher is in sick bay, treating the mysterious alien, dubbed "John Doe", found in a crashed escape pod. She is amazed at his recouperative powers and the entire staff is taken with his charm. Chief Miles O'Brien, wearing a wetsuit and PFD, hobbles into sick bay clutching his right shoulder, obviously in great pain. "What happened to you?" Beverly asks. O'Brien: "I was kayaking in the holodeck again" Beverly: "Well you appear to have dislocated your shoulder, sit still and I'll get my knitter" Just then Wussley Crusher walks in and sees O'Brien. "Kayaking?" he says, in his annoying squeaky voice. "Why you little.." O'Brien mumbles as he reaches out to take a swing at the little Weasel and doubles over in intense pain from his shoulder. Just then "John Doe" reaches out and touches O'Brien, healing his shoulder immediately. "Thanks," O'Brien says as he grabs the Weasel by the scruff of the neck. "John Doe" nods approvingly. Wussley lets out a yell like a Ferengi caught by the ear. "Mommmmeeeeee!!!!", he screams. Beverly returns with her instruments. "For god's sake Chief, PLEASE!" she says. "I won't stand for this in my sick bay! Take that whining little bastard somewhere ELSE!" "Aye Aye, Doctor" he says sheepishly as he flings Wussley into the corridor. O'Brien: (mocking the Weasel's squeaky voice) "Kayaking? I got your kayaking right here..." O'Brien drags the Weasel to Holodeck 4. O'Brien: "COMPUTER! Kayak: Dagger "RPM mark XXVII". Paddle: Lightning "Warp 10" ergonomic." He then takes a carabiner and clips the Weasel's jock strap to his towline. 'It's so small, how does the little bugger even take a piss?' he thinks to himself as he seals his sprayskirt. O'Brien: "COMPUTER! program the following rapids in sequence. Earth. North american continent: 'Meatgrinder' American River 'On the Rocks' Nolichucky river 'Jaws' Nolichucky river 'Bull Sluice' Chatooga river 'Burnt Ranch Falls' Trinity river 'Dragon's tooth' Dryway 'Nantahala Falls' Nantahala River" O'Brien takes off with a few powerful strokes into "Meatgrinder" the Weasel's screams mercifully drowned out by the roar of the water. He runs Meatgrinder almost entirely on the left, making sure to boof the biggest rocks on the way down. He then manages to slam the Weasel square into acid rock with a satisfying "thunk". In "On the rocks" O'Brien has a clean run and backstrokes into the lower hole and backenders out, wiping the rocks on the bottom with Wussley's face. 'Better be careful,' he thought. 'I could get a citation for polluting the river with that run.' O'Brien stops for an extended side surf at "Jaws" (always low-bracing to avoid another shoulder dislocation). He lets out the towline so the Weasel bobs satisfyingly in the froth below. He takes the hero route in both "Bull Sluice" and "Burnt Ranch Falls", splatting the Weasel on every rock available. Then he executes the "Hairy Ferry", scraping the Wuss back and forth several times across Dragon's Tooth rock In Truck Stop eddy above "Nantahala Falls" O'Brien hears Wussley's whining over the subdued roar of the river Wussley: "Let me go! Let me GO!!" O'Brien: "I'll let you go (heh heh)." He ferrys powerfully out to mid river and breaks downstream. "Here you go, you little shit," he says as he releases the Harken cam cleat, depositing the Weasel squarely into the upper hole. He then paddles down to "Rivers End" restaurant and enjoys a nice dinner with Keiko, who is waiting there for him. After a satisfying meal, Miles and Keiko stroll back up the road to the falls observation deck and look down upon the Weasel, still recirculating in the hole. O'Brien: "COMPUTER! END PR-" (breaks into tears) "I can't..." (sob) "I just can't..." (sniff) "it's too beautiful..."